Saying NO When You Feel SO Guilty

Saying NO When You Feel SO Guilty
The "big" holidays are over, but the holiday season is not. Families with children affected by early trauma and attachment disorders still find themselves struggling to maintain structure and connection in the midst of all of the celebrations, which for us may mostly feel like chaos.

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The “big” holidays are over, but the holiday season is not. Families with children affected by early trauma and attachment disorders still find themselves struggling to maintain structure and connection in the midst of all of the celebrations, which for us may mostly feel like chaos. And that can mean a lot of saying “no,” that hardest of little words. In this post, originally published on her blog in October 2016, award-winning author Hilary Jacobs Hendel shows us how. 

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I take good care of myself. My family, friends and clients know this about me. I would not be surprised if behind closed doors I’ve been described as selfish. I am actually all right with that; I own it. I worked at taking care of myself in this way as a matter of necessity and I do it for many reasons, including that it helps me be a better person. What a paradox! To be a better person, I have learned to be ok with acting selfishly.

Let me explain

Giving is wonderful and necessary. But when we give and give too much we can become depleted and even sick or depressed from resentment.  

Staying healthy depends on sometimes saying no.  

We all know the feeling. A friend or neighbor asks a favor. The boss asks you to stay late. Your partner wants to see a movie you have no desire to see. We are all asked to do things we don’t feel up to or even things we think are unethical. There are many situations when we wish we knew how to say no.  

To learn how to say no I had to overcome three challenges:  

  • Learning the best way to say it

  • Tolerating the guilt

  • Soothing my shame  

Learning the best way to say no  

Never underestimate the power of language and tone of voice. When I say no, particularly to someone I care about, I make it a point to communicate in a caring tone that I understand their need. “I know you hate going to parties by yourself. I truly get that. And, I am just so tired that I really need to rest tonight.” Here’s another example: “Wow, I really hear that you need someone to walk your dog while you’re away. Unfortunately I can’t help you out this time. I hope you find someone soon.” Or “I do understand that you want me to call you more. I totally get why you would want that. A part of me wishes I would. I just hate the phone – I can’t call more than I do.”  

In each one of these examples, I convey my understanding. I try not to sound defensive or angry or to blame them for asking. I use “I” statements, conveying that I own that I cannot do what they are asking. People are entitled to their feelings upon hearing no – including anger and sadness, a cocktail for disappointment.  

Tolerating the guilt

When I was training to become a psychoanalyst, a supervisor told me it was better for a patient to resent me than for me to resent my patient. Good advice. Resentment is toxic to relationships. Most of the time there is no clear right or wrong when it comes to saying no. The best compass is our internal one. We know when we have reached a limit. My limit is the point at which saying yes would make me resent the other person. So, whenever I am in conflict, I remind myself I’d rather be resented than be resentful.

When I am struggling with guilt, an inhibitory emotion, I remind myself of my healthy reasons for saying no and I remember I can make it up to the person when I have more ability to give. Then I distract myself by exercising, working on a project or the like. My goal is to tolerate the guilt; wait it out. Guilt, like all feelings, is temporary and soon fades. The more you practice setting limits by saying no, the less guilty you get.  

Soothing my shame 

No one is perfect, although many people I work with strive to be just that. But perfect for who? Who’s the person – in our minds – we are trying to be perfect for? The answer is often an internalized parent or a harsh part of our Selves. When we don’t meet or own standards for giving, it brings up shame.  

When suffering shame for taking care of yourself, try this brief exercise. You can follow the instructions below, or click on the photo and listen to the soothing audio recording instead.  

Find a nice quiet place to sit. Close your eyes. Feel your feet on the floor. Take 5 deep breaths as you feel yourself slowing down. Now, see if you can make a little space between you and the part of you that feels shame. Offer the shamed part some compassion like you would a friend who was suffering. Notice what happens inside. Repeat this every time the shame starts to take over. Just the process of sitting, grounding your feet on the floor, breathing, making space between you and your suffering, and offering compassion, helps the brain in many ways.

You can do it

Saying no is hard, and sometimes we need support and encouragement to do it. But the process of learning where your boundaries begin is worth it. You feel better and your relationships become more about you and less about what you do. Knowing you are loved for who you are, flaws, limits and all, brings happiness and freedom. In fact, my friends, family and colleagues say they are never afraid to ask me for things because they know if I don’t want to do something I’ll just say no. And, of course very often I am able and happy to say YES!  

I would not be surprised if behind closed doors I’ve been described as selfish. I also wouldn’t be surprised if I have been described as kind, smart, balanced, caring, considerate and loving. When you set limits by saying no, remember to hold all parts of you, not just the “selfish” part that is taking good care of yourself.

Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, is author of the book, It’s Not Always Depression: Working the Change Triangle to Listen to the Body, Discover Core Emotions, and Connect to Your Authentic Self (Random House, Feb. 2018). She received her BA in biochemistry from Wesleyan University and an MSW from Fordham University. She is a certified psychoanalyst and AEDP psychotherapist and supervisor. She has published articles in The New York Times and professional journals. Hendel also consulted on the psychological development of characters on AMC’s Mad Men. She lives in New York City. For more information and free resources for mental health visit: https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/ Twitter: @HilaryJHendel Instagram: thechangetriangle YouTube Channel: The Change Triangle

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