We hadn’t received a call about triangulation in a while. A decade or so ago, the conversations were frequent about the chaos created when other adults in the life of a family misinterpret what’s really happening based on what the child with attachment disorder says. So, I listened to this mom and felt somewhat “rusty” at my response. I’d somehow hoped that maybe triangulation and adults misreading a family’s situation were things of the past. That perhaps schools and other child-serving organizations were more enlightened.
But no… this teen left home over a request to do a simple chore and moved in with a friend’s family. That was heartbreaking for the parents, but it wasn’t the worst of it. The stories this attachment-challenged teen told her new caregivers led them to believe the parents were actively mistreating and neglecting her. This new caregiver, a teacher who had been trained in trauma-informed care, openly empathized and believed the girl’s stories without even considering if there was more to them than meets the eye.
The problem was that the stories are not true. This family, a kinship adoption (aunt and uncle), was not surprised that the girl would tell stories of neglect and abuse. They had done enough therapeutic parenting and been to enough counseling sessions to understand the superficial charm and shocking stories that often occur when a child with an attachment disorder is trying to control a situation and create what they believe is emotional safety. The stories may be rooted in traumas that the child has endured before landing in their safe family…but even this isn’t always true.
Much to this aunt/mom’s surprise, though, her attempt to check on the girl and to try to clue the kind-hearted new caregiver in to what was happening was met with “I don’t want to talk with you. I am a trained trauma-informed teacher. I recognize what’s going on here and that it’s your fault.” But the caregiver was not fully understanding, instead explaining that she believed the parents had been too harsh and abusive with this child.
As adults who work with children impacted by trauma, we need to understand the possibility of triangulation. It’s important to remember: Being traumatized and having an attachment disorder are two different things. Sadly, millions of children experience a traumatizing event each year. Out of that, many will have impacts on their development and may develop PTSD. Only a VERY small subset of children will develop an attachment disorder. However, identifying that you might be working with a child with an attachment disorder is very important, and one clue you shouldn’t overlook is that the child is not with their original parents/caregivers – they’re adopted, in foster care, or being cared for by relatives. For children to get into this type of placement, their situation has had to be a bit chaotic, and this can often include a lack of adequate care or abusive actions that the child witnesses or endures. (Not all children in adoption or foster care have attachment challenges…but the percentage is significantly higher than the general population.)
Children with attachment disorders have an intense need for control. As they move through adolescence, their “need for independence” is strong, and their lack of genuine connection to their parent can lead to additional challenges. Many parents find that requests for basic family participation, such as doing chores or keeping a curfew, can escalate into situations such as the teen often choosing to leave and move in with friends/acquaintances.
It is true that there are many situations in which teens do need a stable, secure place to land. High school teachers see this happen frequently. Parents who are struggling with a variety of things in their own lives often aren’t able to parent the emerging independence of adolescence.
But this triangulation due to attachment disorder is different from that. The teen will often present in a charming manner, exhibiting “fawning” behaviors. If you’re old like me, you think of the Eddie Haskell character from Leave It to Beaver. Eddie was so sweet when the adults were around, but was not a good friend to the Beaver and his brother. The audience was in on understanding this duplicity, but the adults often were not.
So here I was with this mom/aunt whose daughter was now living with someone else, who was failing to understand the situation and promising her things like access to school events and even college opportunities that the girl is unlikely to qualify for. And the mom’s biggest concern was what is often expressed by these triangulated parents: “What happens when this arrangement falls apart for my daughter? She will be abandoned once again and will be depressed, maybe even suicidal. What can I do to make this stop?”
Tips to prevent triangulation and be truly helpful in these kinds of situations:
- Find out as much about the family as possible. Is it possible this child is struggling with attachment challenges?
- Be proactive about contacting the parents. Let them know where their child is. Even if you believe the parents are to blame for situations in their family, be open to listening to them and let them know where their child is.
- Listen for a coherent narrative. This is a term for “Does what the child is telling me truly make sense?” The gaps or issues that don’t make sense should be considered. Ask yourself, “What is truly unsafe or unfair about what was going on in the teen’s family?” (Parents may or may not have coherent narratives as well.)
- If you think the parents have been abusive or are harming the teen, it’s best to report that behavior to child protective services.
- Check your own motives. Why are you getting involved in this teen’s situation? Where are your boundaries?
- Don’t expect the child/teen’s parents to repay you or provide you with anything as you’re caring for their child. It seems to be commonly reported that the new caregiver is keeping the teen for days, weeks, and beyond, and is reaching out to demand funds to cover the costs. Some parents may pay this, but they’re under no obligation to do so.
- Help the family find resources to work through whatever is going on. If you determine this is not an unsafe situation, then don’t be an obstacle to repairing the family relationship. In fact, help if you can, by suggesting counseling, encouraging the teen to participate in counseling and conversations, and setting the expectation that the teen will try to reconcile with their family.
